Piddle

The aroma of coffee came thru bold and strong.
My taste buds were anxious to drink all day long.
I realized, of course, I downed more than I should.
But the third cup of java had tasted so good.

It’s now eight o’clock. We’re still on vacation
Our motel is quite far from our next destination.
One more quick visit to check out the room.
Also a chance to spray on perfume.

We jump in the car and toward Tucson we go.
But here is the start of my long tale of woe.
Nature calls loudly, and it’s a real strain.
To keep this discomfort from hitting my brain.

“Oh honey, please check for the nearest truck stop.
However, don’t speed and get stopped by a cop.”
I don’t want to seem like I’m in much distress.
But inside my body, I scream nonetheless.

Wait, there’s a rest stop ahead with a sign.
The words on the paper are making me whine.
“Power is out and we need to inform
That restrooms are closed because of a storm.”

We drive in pure silence but then my dear Bill
Points out a small restaurant just over the hill.
The sign on the door reads “Closed due to bad weather.”
I know in my heart that I am not altogether.

We look over the landscape as we endlessly ride.
No tree, bush, or cacti allow me to hide.
I’m starting to wonder if I could open both doors
And use them for cover as I pull down my drawers.

I’m ready to panic when there suddenly looms
A big dollar store which I hope has bathrooms
We jerk to a stop and I jump into action.
I’m sliding along till my shoes get some traction.

As I stumble and slip, the store is a blur.
Time is of essence. I cannot deter.
The “ladies”, of course, is way at the end.
No one is there, which is such a godsend.

I open the door and lock the door knob.
I’m so out of breath that I just want to sob.
Niagara Falls seems to take over me.
And I sit there and sit there and sit there and pee.

I have learned a lesson from this situation.
Drinking too much causes heavy urination.
So now when we travel, I drink very little.
Only once in a while do I stop just to piddle.

Editor’s Note: This article was first published at Chi-Newman.com on April 4, 2009. Chi has been nice enough to share it with our readers. I think you will chuckle a bit as you learn the difficulties of dealing with English as a second language.

I feel so blessed that when my father sent me to the French School, “Sacre Coeur,” at age five in Beijing, China, the teachers taught us grammar first. Learning about participles, gerunds, moods, cases, genders, numbers, etc., was not easy, but once they are ingrained forever in your memory, then you can speak and write correctly.

Of course English is a little easier than the Romance Languages because of the neuter gender. The word “it” made English so much easier than French, Spanish, Portuguese, etc. After all, why should “the sun” be masculine and “the moon” be feminine? Chinese has no grammar at all, which makes it easier to learn, although the tones may cause some difficulty.

Lest we forget how difficult it is to master the English language, I am going to invite you to join me in laughing at attempts to write in English from around the world.

In an elevator:

• “Please leave your values at the front desk.”

In another elevator:

• “To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.”

At some hotels:

• “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
• “Special today, no ice cream.”
• “Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”
• “English well talking. Here speeching American.”
• “Coolers and Heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”
• “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
• “Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.”
• “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous composers, artists and writers are buried daily, except Thursday.”
• “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”

Menus in restaurants:

• “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumpling in the form of a finger, roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
• “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

In dress and tailors’ shops:

• “Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”
• “Drop your trousers here for best results.”
• “Dresses for street walking.”
• “Order your summers suit because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”
• “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

In a dentist shop:

• “Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.”

Well that is all. As I said: “English is difficult!”