The Joys of Growing Older
April 8, 2009 by Joyce Hodges
Filed under Featured Article, Humor, Second Opinions
One inconvenience of having our own personal plumbing is the inability to put it on hold for any great length of time. Joyce Hodges (who is currently mending from hip replacement surgery) remembers just one of those moments and tells her story in rhyme. See if you can relate to her situation.
Piddle
The aroma of coffee came thru bold and strong.
My taste buds were anxious to drink all day long.
I realized, of course, I downed more than I should.
But the third cup of java had tasted so good.
It’s now eight o’clock. We’re still on vacation
Our motel is quite far from our next destination.
One more quick visit to check out the room.
Also a chance to spray on perfume.
We jump in the car and toward Tucson we go.
But here is the start of my long tale of woe.
Nature calls loudly, and it’s a real strain.
To keep this discomfort from hitting my brain.
“Oh honey, please check for the nearest truck stop.
However, don’t speed and get stopped by a cop.”
I don’t want to seem like I’m in much distress.
But inside my body, I scream nonetheless.
Wait, there’s a rest stop ahead with a sign.
The words on the paper are making me whine.
“Power is out and we need to inform
That restrooms are closed because of a storm.”
We drive in pure silence but then my dear Bill
Points out a small restaurant just over the hill.
The sign on the door reads “Closed due to bad weather.”
I know in my heart that I am not altogether.
We look over the landscape as we endlessly ride.
No tree, bush, or cacti allow me to hide.
I’m starting to wonder if I could open both doors
And use them for cover as I pull down my drawers.
I’m ready to panic when there suddenly looms
A big dollar store which I hope has bathrooms
We jerk to a stop and I jump into action.
I’m sliding along till my shoes get some traction.
As I stumble and slip, the store is a blur.
Time is of essence. I cannot deter.
The “ladies”, of course, is way at the end.
No one is there, which is such a godsend.
I open the door and lock the door knob.
I’m so out of breath that I just want to sob.
Niagara Falls seems to take over me.
And I sit there and sit there and sit there and pee.
I have learned a lesson from this situation.
Drinking too much causes heavy urination.
So now when we travel, I drink very little.
Only once in a while do I stop just to piddle.
Great. You had me crossing my legs!
My wife and sister both have a cool little devise for such times. My sister’s even has a little bag with a jelling agent. Claire always carries her anatomically correct funnel with us when we bicycle; in the desert, squatting behind a cactus, can have consequences for one’s behind!
Cudos to the editors for such a wide variety of subjects and presentation!
I could so relate to this article. It seems like everytime my wife and I go on a car trip, she has to use the lady’s room. I can drive 500 hundred miles and be OK, but she has to go about every fifty or so miles.
When I was growing up and would go on vacation with my parents and sister, she would make me so mad that I wanted to kill her sometimes and my dad did too. My dad would stop to fillup the tank and tell everyone that we should get a drink of water and go to the bathroom. My sister would say that she didn’t have to go and would just drink a coke or doctor pepper while she waited for us. About 10 minutes down the road she would start wining about how she had to go really, really bad. My dad would get so mad at her because that meant another stop and a delay in his scedule. I would get mad to, because if I had done that he would have given me a smack and made me hold it. But she would get away with murder. Of course after she went and caused the delay, then about thirty miles down the road my mom would have to go and dad would have to stop again.
Its hard to average 50 miles an hour when you have to stop every 20 minutes to let the ladys go pee.
Oh and one more thing. Sometimes we would stop at a gas station and my mom and sister wouldn’t go because the bathrooms were so dirty or the seat was missing. So we would have to get back in the car and drive a little further down the road and stop again making my dad even madder. Thats why I guess he would always try to stop at a Standard or Philips 66 gas station because the bathrooms were mostly clean all the time.
Very funny poem! I liked it very much!
I forgot to mention that I loved the picture with Kilroy was here in it. I had forgotten all about that but it was everywhere you went written on the walls! There was other stuff too that was nasty, but some of it was very funny. I can remember being in a bathroom and hearing somebody suddenly break out in laughter in one of the toilet stalls. You knew what he was doing – reading the walls of course! I don’t think I have seen a Kilroy cartoon on a bathroom wall in fifty years. Great picture! Where did you get it?
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Hi Bob, I sure would like to know where your sister buys the item that she uses on her bike hikes. Thanks, Joyce Hodges
Thanks Sebastian for your kind comments. I can’t take credit for the delightful pictures added to my poem. I think that you will have to ask the editor about Kilroy Was Here. It brought back the 1950′s didn’t it. Joyce Hodges